


Love Untold

by rikkafish



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, M/M, Sadstuck, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-04
Updated: 2012-09-04
Packaged: 2017-11-13 13:10:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/503876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rikkafish/pseuds/rikkafish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It isn't long after meeting Karkat Vantas in person that you realize that unrequited love is the most painful feeling in the universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Untold

**Author's Note:**

> okay i'm sorry about all the screwed up html. i fixed it now!

It isn't long after meeting Karkat Vantas in person that you realize that unrequited love is the most painful feeling in the universe. In all the universes, really. The gaping hole it leaves in your chest is unbearable sometimes, and you just want to clutch your arms and scream out all your hurt.

You know it doesn't work, though. You know because you did that, once. You hugged yourself and fell to your knees and screamed yourself hoarse. You felt worse afterward, because that hollow feeling in your chest was still there, dark as ever, and your throat was scratchy and raw for days after.

It only hurt more when Karkat asked you what was wrong with your voice, and you couldn't tell him the truth.

In the Game, you didn't have time to think of romance. You didn't want to, anyhow. Romance wasn't interesting to you, and it wasn't until you finally laid eyes on Karkat that you wanted anything to do with it at all. It was then that you first fell, hard and fast. It had been nice at first. Being around him, just thinking about him, put you on cloud nine. You were happy just to be his friend, and the first time you made him laugh with one of your stupid pranks (a whoopee cushion in Dave's chair) had been the best day of your life.

You wanted Karkat more than anything. Want him. Will always want him. Have for years, and will love him long past his time. That was part of the reason, at first, that you had hesitated in revealing your feelings. You had been so sure that Karkat returned them, you thought you'd had time.

Then he started dating Terezi.

You had never liked Terezi much. You were well aware that the blind troll had tried to get you killed, and had even succeeded in another timeline. You put up with her, though, because Karkat liked her, and Dave liked her, and you thought for a long time that Dave would end up with her.

Being wrong had never hurt so much.

It's all that, along with several months of watching Karkat and Terezi be so fucking happy together, that had landed you where you are: slightly buzzed and alone on Christmas Eve.

Jade's already called twice, and Dave had left a few texts, both of them urging you to come out to Dave's apartment for Christmas. Rose is the only one with enough good sense to leave you alone in your pain. Tomorrow, you'd go over there and be happy and cheerful and back to your usual self. You would try and get two people caught under mistletoe, laugh at Dave's lame raps, and complain about Jade and Rose's cooking just to give them a hard time.

Tonight, though, you want to be alone and miserable. You rarely give in to the urge to wallow, and you are going to use up all your saved up wallowing tonight, and start the savings all over again after Christmas was over.

Your phone buzzes again, informing you of another text. You know it has to be from Dave, and you roll your eyes as you pick it up to read whatever technique he's using now to try to get you to leave your apartment.

To your surprise, it's not a text from Dave. It's a message on Pesterchum from Karkat.

CG: MARRY CHRISTMAS.

You laugh without humor at the mistake. It seems that no one actually told Karkat which marry-sounding word to use in that greeting. For a brief moment, you start to set the phone aside, wanting to ignore everyone, especially Karkat, when you notice the time. It's two minutes after midnight. It's not Christmas Eve anymore, it's officially Christmas.

Your father had always said Christmas was a time to be honest with those you loved, and fuck, did you love Karkat.

You sigh and pull the phone close to you again.

EB: it's merry christmas, actually.  
CG: OH. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUCKING WEIRD THAT HUMANS WERE ORDERING EACH OTHER TO MARRY A HOLIDAY.  
EB: more like we're ordering each other to be happy for one day of the year.  
EB: or something.  
CG: I DON'T UNDERSTAND CHRISTMAS.  
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS HOLIDAY ALL ABOUT?  
CG: PEOPLE GIVING EACH OTHER SHIT ON SOME DEAD GUY'S BIRTHDAY?  
EB: it's a little more than that!  
EB: it's about being with the people you love and stuff.  
CG: SOUNDS LIKE A WASTE OF A HOLIDAY TO ME.  
EB: ugh.  
EB: you're a waste of a holiday.  
CG: NICE COMEBACK, WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO BE SO FUCKING WITTY, EGBERT?  
EB: i got it from you.

There's a pause in the conversation, and you just know Karkat's typing some long-winded reply with plenty of insults and maybe for spice, a few curses. You sigh and lean back in your chair, shoving the phone away from you again. You are done talking to him. You were honest with him, you didn't lie about it being 'merry' over 'marry'.

But that's a lame excuse and you know it.

You groan. You are tired of this. Tired of hurting and loving and yearning, you just want to move on with your life. You're tired of every day being a mystery, a questioning about how will Karkat accidentally break your heart today? The hole in your chest grows just a little every day and soon it'll eat you up if you aren't careful. The times of when it fills full and whole are growing further and further apart.

You're very good at keeping up appearances though. You aren't necessarily unhappy; you have a job you like and friends you love who love you in return. Most of the time, it's easy to deal with the near daily heartbreak of being in love with someone who doesn't return your feelings. Some days are harder than others, but you manage.

That doesn't mean it isn't the most emotionally (and sometimes physically) exhausting thing you've ever had to do, and the Game took a toll on your emotions more than once. 

You want a way to fix this. Make it hurt less, at least. You close your eyes and rub your forehead with a frustrated sigh, then grab your phone again. There's a wall of gray text that you ignore.

CG: WHAT THE HELL, EGBERT?  
CG: ARE YOU IGNORING ME?  
EB: can you meet me somewhere?  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT AND YOU WANT TO MEET UP SOMEWHERE?  
EB: yeah.  
EB: i just want to talk to you.  
CG: DOES THIS NOT COUNT AS TALKING?  
EB: look, i need to talk to you in person about something.  
EB: if i do it over pesterchum, i'll feel stupid.  
EB: just come to the park, the one near my apartment.  
CG: RIGHT NOW?  
CG: ARE YOU SERIOUS, TEREZI IS KIND OF EXPECTING ME TO COME TO SLEEP SOON.  
EB: just  
EB: ugh!  
EB: fuck terezi, just come meet me.  
CG: JESUS, FINE.  
CG: WHAT'S YOUR ISSUE?  
EB: i don't have an issue!  
EB: i'll see you in a little while.

You sign off before Karkat has the chance to respond, and suddenly you feel terrified and filled with courage all at the same time. You're sure it's the drunk side of you that's courageous, and your drunk side has not been known to make the best decisions.

"Fuck it," you mutter as you go to get your shoes on. "This ends tonight."

The park is quiet at this time of night, everyone's in bed and there are no animals around to make midnight noises. There are lamp posts that light the path every few yards, and one of them has a bench next to it. You never told Karkat where to meet you, but you are sure he knows where to come. You've met him at this park bench before.

You sit down on it, hugging yourself against the cold and wishing you'd brought a warmer jacket. The alcohol in your blood makes you feel like you're on the edge of burning inside your chest and stomach, and you are no longer sure if it's the liquor or the extreme emotions, distress, love, fear, hope, running through your veins.

It snowed the previous day, and there's still some on the ground. Most of it has melted from today's cloudless, sunny sky, but a patch of white here and there gives hope for a white Christmas. That would be nice. You and Dave could have a snowball fight against the girls, and they would win like they always did, because they liked to work together while you and Dave just fling snowballs at anything that moves. It had resulted in more than one mishap, when Rose's elderly next door neighbor had been out walking his dog.

You smile at the memory, and it's the first good feeling you've had that night. Your friends are like a tiny light that sometimes makes the hole in your chest feel smaller, and the memory you're holding on to right now is a torch that is keeping you warm, and from going mad from nerves.

You're not sure how long you've been sitting there when Karkat walks up, his warmer blood requiring more layers of clothing than you. He looks like a really angry, burnt marshmallow under his puffy black jacket, and a wool hat pulled over his head. It's misshapen because it covers his horns, as well, and you can't help but smile at how fucking endearing that is.

"Fuck, couldn't we meet somewhere warmer?" he gripes as he sits on the bench next to you, and you laugh, only a touch bitter.

"Hello to you, too," you say, and he shrugs and gives you a small, unsure half-smile.

"So what the hell are you doing calling me out here in the middle of the night?" Karkat asks. "What absolutely could not wait until we could meet somewhere warm, and inside, where I don't have to wear ten layers of sweaters and three jackets on top, and I'm still freezing, Egbert, so this better be worth it--"

"I'm in love with you."

It comes out like vomit, and you are too surprised to be embarrassed. That was not what you meant to say, that wasn't how this was supposed to happen. Hell, none of this was how it was supposed to go. Karkat's looking at you with wide, shocked eyes, a hint of confusion and just a little bit of terror clouding his expression.

It seems you've finally rendered Karkat speechless, and this is absolutely not how you wanted this to go.

You open your mouth to say more, to explain, to take it back with a laugh, a punch to his shoulder, and an overly-loud "just kidding!", but your words stick in your throat. You can't lie and you can't tell the truth. Both of them are too painful, and Karkat's expression, now softening into regret, is just making the hole in your chest worse. It no longer feels empty, though. Instead, it's heavy, and it makes you want to sag forward and sob. It's bringing you down, sinking into your stomach like a heavy stone, making you feel sick.

"What do you mean?" Karkat finally prompts, and his voice breaks in confusion.

You don't want to say anything. You don't want to tell him the truth. You don't want to lie anymore, either, and eventually the truth wins out. Lying has got you nowhere and it will continue to get you nowhere, except deeper and deeper into the sad pit of despair this love has landed you in.

"I'm in love with you," you repeat, softer now. Afraid. Your voice trembles. "I have been since we were sixteen. Since I first saw you after three years apart."

"What the hell-- you never said anything!" Karkat says, too quickly. He sounds desperate, angry. Your heart breaks again.

You shake your head and wipe at your dry eyes. You've cried about this far too many times to start crying again now. "I didn't want you to know. I thought-- I don't know what I thought. Maybe that you felt the same and maybe you'd make the first move. Or maybe I was just waiting for the perfect moment."

The perfect moment that never came, and never would. Karkat's looking at you with sad eyes now, and you can't bear to look back at him.

"John," Karkat says, his voice softer than you've ever heard it. The tone startles you into turning your gaze towards him, and you lock eyes. You can't turn away.

"I did feel the same," he admits, and there's another crack in your already shattered heart. Did. Didn't anymore. "You turned me down once, and I wasn't going to put myself out there twice."

Somehow, you understand. You're angry about it, you want to grab his shoulders and shake him and scream in his face that Fuck you, we could have had something! We could have been great together!

But you still understand. It's almost the same reason you never said anything to him before now; you'd turned him down once, and while you thought (hoped) that Karkat returned your feelings, you were too scared, afraid that he had moved on, afraid that he'd laugh in your face.

You know now that Karkat's not like that. You know because he's not laughing now.

"Okay, well," you say, breathing out a hard, sharp breath. "That's all I wanted to say. Thanks for coming out here. Have a good Christmas, or whatever." You stand up too fast; the alcohol is affecting you more now, and you are still dazed from the conversation. You stumble, and Karkat surges out of his seat and forward to catch you before you face plant into the gravelly pathway.

"You fucking klutz," he says, tone affectionate. Is this how he sounds when he speaks to Terezi? How often does she hear this softer side of him? His hands holding you up are surprisingly gentle, righting you and holding your elbows so you don't tip over again.

When you look at him, he's actually smiling. Not a lot, just a tiny quirk of his lips, and there's a sadness to it. Regret, and maybe a bit of longing for something that had passed.

"Thanks," you mumbled, moving your hands to push away from him. "I gotta get home, though."

He grabs your wrists and tugs you forward.

You fall against him.

His lips touch yours.

Your heart stops. You don't move. The kiss is firm, but gentle and slow. It's clear this is what he meant to happen when he doesn't shove you off with a growl, and for a moment, you let yourself pretend that he'd accepted your confession and loves you too.

The hole in your chest feels a little smaller, a little more whole.

When your hands touch his jaw and neck, though, he pulls away, and the moment ends. The hole is gaping and empty, and Karkat's grim smile doesn't help.

"I'm not trying to give you hope," Karkat says, firmly. His soft tone is gone, his eyes are hard again. "Don't take this to mean I'm leaving Terezi for you. I guess... I accept your confession, but I want you to move on. Okay? You don't need to be sitting around pining for a piece of shit like me--"

"You're not a piece of shit," you interrupt, passionate. He narrows his eyes and ignores the outburst.

"--you're better than this, Egbert. So go out there and be better for someone who can love you back." His voice cracks on the last few words.

"Karkat," you say quietly, and after a moment of silence between you, you let go of each other and step away.

"Promise?" Karkat asks.

You nod once, not trusting yourself to speak at the moment. Karkat holds out a pinky, and you remember teaching him about pinky promises. You'd played them up to be unbreakable vows between humans. If you broke a pinky promise, you were shunned by society and cast out.

That's how you know this is important to him. You close your eyes briefly, suck in a quiet breath and then let it out slowly before opening your eyes again.

You smile tightly, and link your pinky through his.

"Promise," you whisper, and somehow, you feel your heart start to mend, the hole start to close. It would be a long process of moving on before you could think about seeing someone, but you feel like you're finally ready to start.

Loving Karkat is painful, not being loved in return is almost worse. But it isn't true, Karkat loves you and it's not the way you wanted him to, but it's good enough. You could get on with your life, with the love of your friends and of Karkat, and maybe one day it wouldn't hurt anymore.

"Merry Christmas," Karkat says.

"Yeah," you reply, and you smile genuinely. "Merry Christmas."

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from a song by the same name by paul westerberg. i'll be honest, i don't actually know the song, but the name of it fit the story well.


End file.
